I feel good about this photo, that's why I'm sharing it. :)
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
14 yrs old to -19 yrs old .....
I wish I had the proper skills for writing, but I don't. What I write are my raw emotions and boy am I feeling them now. I hope I can get the words out now without confusing myself.
Needless to say, I have issues with self-esteem. So with that, lets get going.....
I remember growing up in East Los Angeles, Soto Street. The wrong side of the tracks, gangland territory for the Crips and the Bloods. It was just myself and my mother. We moved when I was 12 because of gang shooting across the street from where I lived. It was a drive by shooting. One gang meant to kill a guy from the rival gang and ended up shooting the wrong guy due to mistaken identity. I don't care if gang members are going to fight and kill each other, just leave the innocent bystanders out of it! From Soto Street we moved out of East LA but stayed in Los Angeles County until I was 14. That was uneventful. It was safer there, but not much.
When I was 14, my mom's work moved from LA County to Orange County, so we moved to a small town in the OC called, Tustin. I began high school there and 9th grade was boring. I never thought I was beautiful, but I never thought I was ugly either. I was thin and had long blond hair. I always put myself together in the morning before school as I was taught. Meaning I always wore make-up and fixed my hair. I liked the girly stuff. I was just me and fine with it. About a month into 9th grade (September) is when I can remember my self-esteem died. On a Saturday afternoon, my mom and I went out to lunch at at place called Omega Burger. It was nothing, you walk in, order your food and either took it to go or ate there. This day we stayed and ate there. When we finished eating, I stood up to take the tray to the counter and my mother called me, Fat and said I embarrassed her. I was shocked...I wasn't fat! Good God, I would go 2-3 days without eating anything to keep from getting fat. But she didn't know that. Why did she say that??? I'll never know why and I know that if I were to ask her about it today she would deny every saying such a thing. I can't talk about what I did that year, its to painful. But it didn't include drinking, smoking, drugs, sex or cutting. What I did to myself after that was all mental. I did things to my mind to match what my mother said to me.
About 3 weeks after I turned 18 it was early November and I was in my Senior year in high school and had no interest in school. By this time I was into major partying! I was sick in November and thought I had the flu. I missed about a week of school as I was just so week and couldn't keep anything down. The next week I missed more school due to being sick and I remember on a Tuesday my mother asked me if I was pregnant? This had never occurred to me! Thursday afternoon my mother had me in the doctor's office and told not to eat or drink anything after mid-night on Friday. As if...I still couldn't keep anything down! Saturday morning my mother woke me up and drove me to a big building in Santa Ana where she filled out paperwork. When done, I was called into another office..alone and made to lay down on a table and was put to sleep. When I woke up, I was told it was done and to take it easy for the rest of the day and just have soup and water. I don't want to say it, but I will...can you guess what was done to me in that office on that early Saturday morning? I had an abortion. Nobody asked me, it was just done. After that, I dropped out of high school for a few months, didn't tell anyone and quit my party ways. While my mother thought I was going to school everyday..I was actually hiding out at home all day in fog. It was sometime in February when I came out of the fog enough to realize that it was my Senior year and that I had to finish school so that all of the other years weren't wasted. I got myself transferred to a continuation school where you study at your own pace and aren't allowed any homework until you have enough classroom hours. Also, you don't have to deal with the silly nonsense classes like cooking, sewing, PE or other crap! All I needed to graduate was Civics and Economics. By the time I had enough classroom hours for homework, I had finished both classes and was done with school....Thank God!! That was the first week in April.
I kicked around with my friends then and one day in July I drove a friend over to the US Census Bureau to fill out an application. I thought since I was there, I might as well apply too. I got the job and started in August. I really liked that job too. While I worked there, I met a handsome young man and we went out a few times before he asked me to marry him. I turned him down. A few months later and met another young man and he asked me to marry him. I turned him down. About 7 months later I went out on a blind date at the end of January and on March 13th, 198.. he asked me to marry him. I felt sure this was the last proposal to come my way and accepted. All I could think of was 3 strikes and you're out! The wedding was planned for 6 months later and as the day approched I knew it wasn't right. I told my mother and the asshole I didn't want to get married. They thought I was kidding and never paid any mind to me. Being taught to do what I was told, I got married. Here is where I take responsibility for not standing up for myself. I didn't know how to do it or what to do...but that was my fault and I don't blame anyone for that but myself.
There's more but I'm sleepy now. I'll finish later.
Needless to say, I have issues with self-esteem. So with that, lets get going.....
I remember growing up in East Los Angeles, Soto Street. The wrong side of the tracks, gangland territory for the Crips and the Bloods. It was just myself and my mother. We moved when I was 12 because of gang shooting across the street from where I lived. It was a drive by shooting. One gang meant to kill a guy from the rival gang and ended up shooting the wrong guy due to mistaken identity. I don't care if gang members are going to fight and kill each other, just leave the innocent bystanders out of it! From Soto Street we moved out of East LA but stayed in Los Angeles County until I was 14. That was uneventful. It was safer there, but not much.
When I was 14, my mom's work moved from LA County to Orange County, so we moved to a small town in the OC called, Tustin. I began high school there and 9th grade was boring. I never thought I was beautiful, but I never thought I was ugly either. I was thin and had long blond hair. I always put myself together in the morning before school as I was taught. Meaning I always wore make-up and fixed my hair. I liked the girly stuff. I was just me and fine with it. About a month into 9th grade (September) is when I can remember my self-esteem died. On a Saturday afternoon, my mom and I went out to lunch at at place called Omega Burger. It was nothing, you walk in, order your food and either took it to go or ate there. This day we stayed and ate there. When we finished eating, I stood up to take the tray to the counter and my mother called me, Fat and said I embarrassed her. I was shocked...I wasn't fat! Good God, I would go 2-3 days without eating anything to keep from getting fat. But she didn't know that. Why did she say that??? I'll never know why and I know that if I were to ask her about it today she would deny every saying such a thing. I can't talk about what I did that year, its to painful. But it didn't include drinking, smoking, drugs, sex or cutting. What I did to myself after that was all mental. I did things to my mind to match what my mother said to me.
About 3 weeks after I turned 18 it was early November and I was in my Senior year in high school and had no interest in school. By this time I was into major partying! I was sick in November and thought I had the flu. I missed about a week of school as I was just so week and couldn't keep anything down. The next week I missed more school due to being sick and I remember on a Tuesday my mother asked me if I was pregnant? This had never occurred to me! Thursday afternoon my mother had me in the doctor's office and told not to eat or drink anything after mid-night on Friday. As if...I still couldn't keep anything down! Saturday morning my mother woke me up and drove me to a big building in Santa Ana where she filled out paperwork. When done, I was called into another office..alone and made to lay down on a table and was put to sleep. When I woke up, I was told it was done and to take it easy for the rest of the day and just have soup and water. I don't want to say it, but I will...can you guess what was done to me in that office on that early Saturday morning? I had an abortion. Nobody asked me, it was just done. After that, I dropped out of high school for a few months, didn't tell anyone and quit my party ways. While my mother thought I was going to school everyday..I was actually hiding out at home all day in fog. It was sometime in February when I came out of the fog enough to realize that it was my Senior year and that I had to finish school so that all of the other years weren't wasted. I got myself transferred to a continuation school where you study at your own pace and aren't allowed any homework until you have enough classroom hours. Also, you don't have to deal with the silly nonsense classes like cooking, sewing, PE or other crap! All I needed to graduate was Civics and Economics. By the time I had enough classroom hours for homework, I had finished both classes and was done with school....Thank God!! That was the first week in April.
I kicked around with my friends then and one day in July I drove a friend over to the US Census Bureau to fill out an application. I thought since I was there, I might as well apply too. I got the job and started in August. I really liked that job too. While I worked there, I met a handsome young man and we went out a few times before he asked me to marry him. I turned him down. A few months later and met another young man and he asked me to marry him. I turned him down. About 7 months later I went out on a blind date at the end of January and on March 13th, 198.. he asked me to marry him. I felt sure this was the last proposal to come my way and accepted. All I could think of was 3 strikes and you're out! The wedding was planned for 6 months later and as the day approched I knew it wasn't right. I told my mother and the asshole I didn't want to get married. They thought I was kidding and never paid any mind to me. Being taught to do what I was told, I got married. Here is where I take responsibility for not standing up for myself. I didn't know how to do it or what to do...but that was my fault and I don't blame anyone for that but myself.
There's more but I'm sleepy now. I'll finish later.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Push, Pull...Push, Pull...Push, Pull...
Well..I don't know what to do? I feel pushed away and then reeled in and then pushed away and reeled back in again. Why? What am I doing wrong?
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Tears
I'm going to have a shower. I'll be able to hide my tears in there with the water raining down upon me....
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