Symptoms of BPD...

Me to a T

An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection

• A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel
• Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at all
• Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours
• Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship
• Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection
• Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety
• Ongoing feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder

 My exbf was gaming. He yelled out for me to grab him a beer. I did not hear him. He said he lost his game and it was my fault for not do what he said. 

That earned me a knock on the jaw

Very rough 6 1/2 months for me. My man and I were as different as night and day. Where he wore nothing but black and listened to Satanic Metal, I wore colors and like Country and Classic Rock music. But somehow we seemed to make it work. We respected each other. But, he also had a drug habit that interfered with a lot of our time together. After breaking up 3 times, I finally kicked him out 2 weeks ago. Our relationship turned into verbal and mental abuse because of his drug usage. I miss him so much and cry a lot from it. We are both at fault for the way things ended. I miss my friend so very much.  

It's been a long time since I was last here...

It's been a long time since I was last here...

I want to post, but

My life has been so dark that it took over me. Part of me wants to tell you about it, just to get it out of my system, but the other part of me does not want to re-live that time.

I am also paranoid. I don't know how to block certain people from viewing my posts.

Core 'ngrato - Enrico Caruso "Live"

Trapped!

I'm trapped in this life! 

No place to go, no where to tuen. I wish I had courage to finish this life. I worry about my little furry family and who would take care of them. No one would love them the way I do.

I need help! 

Marc

One of my ex-boyfriends, Marc, I consider to be the first Adult I have ever dated. We were together for 4 months about 3 years ago. He was so generous and good to me. Even though we broke up, we have stayed in touch....texting or talking every now and then, and even a few "booty calls" :)

I was thinking about him today and sent him a text just to say hi and ask how he was. He replied that all was well and that he'd just returned from a 2 week trip to Florida and the Caribbean. My problem is, I keep wondering if there is a new woman in his life? I care about him and still think of him as mine, even though we aren't compatible.

Why do I care so much about him having a girlfriend??? I don't want him with another woman! This confuses me.

40 Year Search

A few weeks ago, I ended a 40 year search. Basically the search was for my biological father. I found out that he passed away in 2008. That left me with the 2 brothers that I've also known about for the past 40 or more years.

It was a difficult search. All I knew about my birth father was the 1st name of his second wife. "Pam". After a blinding search of names on #FamilySearch.com, I finally found her! Her last name was Martin. I then did a search of her for anything I could ..... find. I found her obituary and with it, the name of the 2 brothers that I have always dreamed and thought of!!!! Douglas & Martin. Their names and middle names comfirmed that these were indeed my brothers! I knew from family research that their names were from the line of people my birth father identified with. There was the reference to their mother's name and my birth father's step father's name. Confused? I'm not...I get it. My 2 brothers were born to a woman named Pamela Martin. My birth father's step father was named, Ervin. The eldest of my 1/2 brother was named, Douglas Ervin, the younger 1/2 brother was named, Martin Sterling. Can you see the connection??? I certainly did. When I emailed, Doug about this, he confirmed we are all siblings! I can't begin to explain the elation I felt!

Although my birth father has long passed away, they seem to have the same feelings I have towards him...Contempt! Even tho he was in & out of their lives, he wasn't much of a father to them either. At least they knew him. I did not. Is it bad for me to rejoice in knowing that they did not hold him in high regard? I know it was just bitterness on my part, but I am glad to know they felt almost the same way I did.

In the long run, I had a much better father....Fred Keith. Although I never called him dad to his face, I do refer to him as my father! To my daughter, Melissa...He is the only grandfather she has known!! We call him, Granpa. Granpa his been both father to me and father/grandfather to Melissa. He's always been there for us and has never let us down!!!

Proof of a Bully

I like this so much...

This applies to some of the issues I've faced over the past couple of weeks....

Cyber Bullying - 03/24/2013

Recently, I have been the victim of a cyber-bully.

All of a sudden, this person starting going off on me on Twitter in my DM's (Direct Messages). I had no idea of what prompted this and stated so to said bully. I thought we had straightened everything out, but I was wrong. Two days later, this same person chose to attack me again.

After the 2nd attack, I chose to un-follow and block this person. I have tried take the High Road in this and have chose not to defend myself. Why should I? I did nothing wrong and have never mentioned this person to anyone on either the Twitter TL (Time Line) or in DM's.

Apparently, this person is going around DM-ing many in the group I hang in and is spreading their malicious gossip and lies. And now, many are not speaking to me. I have no idea what this person was accusing me of, or of what they are saying to others in the group. My only defense to this is that, have I DM'd ANY OF YOU to try and explain? The answer to that is, No, I have not. Because I again, I have no idea what this person is talking about!!! I have never said anything about this person for the simple reason, I just don't know them.

If you are choosing to accept what this person says, you are the one being lied to. If you have any questions about it, I would request you ask me as well. You are only hearing one side of this. And again, I repeat, I don't know what the heck this person is talking about! If you'd like to see proof of their cyber-bullying against me, I will gladly share it. You have only to ask.

Our beautiful little, Princess Chloe

Born 02/21/2013

3rd Baby?

02/05/13

I had several dreams last night/this morning. One of the most vivid dreams was that Melissa & Mike have 1 more child waiting for them in the Spirit World. It's another boy. I told Melissa this info during the dream and she said she felt the same way. This afternoon when I told her about the dream, as said, No! I found it interesting that her "No" wasn't very forceful. Hmmm....

My Cat, Savannah

10/10/12
When my cat first got sick, I thought maybe she had diabetes because she was all about the water. Never did I imagine she was in Kidney Failure or Chronic Kidney Disease which is not unusual for an older cat. Savannah's been in the hospital for 2 nights and they want to keep her tonight. While her blood work was literally off the chart when she 1st went in, she is slowing improving. Her #'s are still high. I asked the Dr. if "sleep" were better or to continue treatment? Without answering, she said neither possibility was out of the question. What do I do?

Still 10/10/12....Several hours later:
Ok..Here's the deal. Its a bit long winded. BUN stands for, Blood, Urine, Nitrogen. The machine at the Vet registers up to 130 and doesn't register beyond that #. When I took Savannah in on Monday, her BUN was 130 or higher. Yesterday it was 121, today its 94. Normal is below 30. The dr. said she is not out of the woods and still very sick. Right now her chances are 50/50 but it sounds like several more days in the hospital to get her BUN to an acceptable level to let her come home and then still she could relapse and end up very sick again or not. I'm going to keep her in the hospital until Friday and we'll have a family meeting to discuss it.

Today~ 10/24/12
On 10/11/12, Savannah came home from the hospital. She was looking good for a few days but on 10/18/12 when I took her in for her re-check she started going down hill again. We tried to give her Subcuetaneous fluid injections but even that wasn't working. Last night, I decided Savannah was reading to go. Ready to go meet, Sophie & Shadow and play in the meadow without a care in the world. She hadn't eaten in 4 days..today was the 5th day. I know she was hungry but she wouldn't have anything to do with food.

This morning, Melissa and I took Savannah into the Dr's office and said our goodbyes. She went very very quick. I remember another Vet once said, the faster the pet goes after the injection just meant they were ready to die. I felt Savannah die even before the dr. was done with the injection. She was so precious. We'll always miss her.

We Love You our little Princess Savannah! XoXo

Friday. . .

This describes me to a T!

Today's Tarot Reading

The Five of Pentacles card suggests that my power today lies in defiance. We are willing to reject the sure thing or accept excommunication to try to make it on our own rather than endure the status quo or submit to conditions that assume we are invisible -- in this, we have nothing to lose. We accept responsibility for the difficulties ahead and do not seek pity for having chosen against the grain. I am empowered by mutual support and my assets are self-worth, hope, and pride.

With a strong mind for healing from this disease...I will beat it!

My body is craving liquor, my mind is not. I continue with the withdrawals but I'm still determined to beat this! Last night began severe stomach cramps for several hours, until I was so exhausted I finally fell asleep. It was very painful. I was doubled over in pain wishing someone would shoot me, that's how bad it was! Like the worst stomach ache ever. I'm ok right now. I think since I was an evening drinker starting after 7pm...that was my rule, that near that time in the evening that's when my body starts, "misbehaving" for lack of a better word.

The body aches continue, but I'm happy to say that either I'm getting used to them or they are beginning to lessen. Not as bad as when they first began.

I write this for myself, as my journal. If someone stumbles upon it and it helps in any way, I'm glad. With a strong mind for healing from this disease...I will beat it!

Day after Epiphany. . . lol

So....Even after my big epiphany yesterday, I'm still struggling not to drink. I haven't done it and I'm not planning to, but I'm just saying that its still a struggle!

My Tarot Reading for the day is good and fits with whats going on currently:

The Five of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in a crossroads. I am not alone. I intend to let go of despair or nostalgia and I choose to make peace with loss or express mourning in order to move forward. I release the rut of regret and the fear of tomorrow to make way for forgiveness, pleasure, beauty, and hope. I am empowered by my conscience and my gift is forgiveness.

I'm taking the Power back!

February 2011, I gave up 9 years of sobriety. An issue with a family member upset me so much that I returned to some of my old self destructive behavior. 1st cutting and then I picked up drinking again.

So after after totally hitting rock bottom, I quit drinking again as of September 20th. This is my 3rd attempt. I'll say I had an epiphany this morning and I know I'll be able to do it this time.

This morning, I finally came to the realization that by continuing to drink, I was giving the very family member that drove me to such destruction the power to control me.  I'm taking the Power back!!  Even tho I know that family member will never read this, plenty of others will and I want you to know that I'm back to being ME again. The woman before all problems!

Watch out world...I'm back!

PS....

Today's Tarot Reading:

The Four of Pentacles card suggests that my power today lies in possession. I choose not to be bound, identified, or paralyzed by ownership, possessions or means in order that I may always have a free hand and room to grow. I am practical, responsible, and determined about protecting my purpose or advocating for my resources. I am empowered by the status quo and my asset is value.

POWER!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BRv9wGf5pk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

 

So today is Day 11. . .

So last night, I watched the General Relief Society Meeting. Although I haven't been to church or watched any church programs in quite a while, I can say that I felt that still small voice of the Holy Ghost nudging me to watch/listen to it. I'm certain that Heavenly Father hasn't given up on me and because I watched/listened to the meeting, a few of the struggles I've been dealing with lately have been lifted from me for a time.

Matthew 18: 12-14
12 How think ye? if a man have an hundred ^asheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray?

13 And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray.

14 Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these ^alittle ones should ^bperish.

While I don't seem to be having nearly as bad as before body aches, I still have them. It seems my next phase is dizziness. I've been getting dizzy for the past few days. I'm still feeling exhausted but I'm getting through it. Sunday's are easiest to go without drinking because the liquor stores are closed here. Actually the only think you can purchase here on a Sunday is beer. I always preferred liquor instead of the watered down taste of beer. Ugh!

Today, Melissa, Mikey and I went to the mall. Mikey needed some new pants and shoes. I got a denim jacket and some tops and shoes. I wanted to get Melissa some shoes, but she couldn't find anything she liked. :-/

Oh, and with trying to quit alcohol, it seems I'm losing more weight so that's pretty exciting!  =))

Detoxing. . .

While there's a lot on the internet about alcoholism and detoxing, I really couldn't find much about body aches from detoxing. I'm sure it's there, I just don't have the patience or energy right now to search for it. Grrrr....

Well, I think last night was the worst it's been so far.

I was tired all day yesterday. I have very little energy...just like this past week. I have to force myself to do anything instead of just being a slug. I so looked forward to going to bed last night. I felt like I was going to sleep like a rock. Instead, I spent most of the night cat napping. I think I woke up every hour. What was the worst part though, was that my whole body was aching as if I had the flu. Every part of my body felt tense and and still does. I have to keep fighting this because I don't want to go thru this again. I know it will eventually pass and that I just have to ride it out, fight thru it!

I can do it! One second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. I can do it....I can do it....